To Make Progress, Forgive.
Originally published on LinkedIn on 31st December 2017.
Forgiveness is universally relevant. A person doesn’t have to be alive for very long before causing someone else hurt and pain (whether intentionally or unintentionally). It doesn’t take long to be on the receiving end either. It’s all part of the rough and tumble of life. The need to forgive and be forgiven transcends culture, ethnicity, race, and gender.
“But I can’t forgive them, because if I do then they just get away with it!” My friend had been hurt and upset some months before. Her frustrated retort came in response to my recommendation that she forgive the offending parties. She believed that her forgiveness would absolve them of their wrongdoing; that once they had her forgiveness they would be off the hook, scot-free. As an outsider, it was clear to me that her residual anger was not only prolonging her pain, but that it was also holding her back. I have written this for anyone who feels, or may yet feel, as she has felt.
Mandela’s Masterful Use of Forgiveness
While thinking about forgiveness, it didn’t take long for my thoughts to turn to Nelson Mandela who I had the pleasure of studying during my time at university. Forgiveness was particularly relevant to Mandela’s life. Mandela was a revolutionary who had fought violently against South Africa’s racist apartheid regime. As a consequence, he was initially imprisoned on Robben Island where he spent much of his time as a prisoner. By the time he was released, he’d been in prison for 27 years.
Imagine you’ve just been released from prison, having been there for 27 years. How old would you have been when first entering? Would you even have been alive 27 years ago? What would you have missed in that time? Which achievements, events and relationships would never have happened?
Mandela missed a lot. Both his mother and firstborn son died while he was in prison. He missed out on his daughters’ growing up. His wife Winnie had affairs with other men, which deeply hurt him, and that marriage didn’t last long after his release.
By the time Mandela was released from prison, the old guard of the apartheid regime knew that apartheid was unsustainable. Whichever way one looked at it, South Africa needed to move on from apartheid. Its economy was on its knees and its people, divided into factions, were on the verge of civil war. Some in power even feared being chased into the sea. Mandela was seen as one who could play a crucial role in the transition from apartheid to a unified South Africa. And that he did.
When taken from the shackles of his prison cell to the negotiating table with South Africa’s white ruling elite, Mandela was aware that he was dealing with a government whose hands were “dripping with blood.” But revenge wasn’t on Mandela’s agenda. He realised that the country couldn’t move on from apartheid, and avoid further violence, without forgiveness.
As Mandela’s biographer Anthony Sampson notes, the role of forgiver was not an obvious one for him to play. Before prison Mandela was known for his aggression, whether in the boxing ring, giving speeches or confronting his enemies. Yet Sampson also writes how Mandela actively sought out those who betrayed him and forgave them upon his release from prison: “In seeking out his persecutors Mandela seemed like the legendary ex-convict who hunts down all the people who betrayed him; but instead of murdering them, he forgave them.”
To Mandela forgiveness was indicative of courage rather than weakness: “Courageous people do not fear forgiving, for the sake of peace.” His use of forgiveness was such a powerful part of his political strategy that one of his colleagues was prompted to make the following observation: “You never quite know whether he’s a saint or a Machiavelli.”
Nevertheless, whether saint or Machiavelli, Mandela’s use of forgiveness at a personal level and at a national level through the Truth and Reconciliation Commission was crucial to ensuring that South Africa didn’t slide into a bloody civil war. Graça Machel, who would later marry Mandela, put it like this: “If he had come out of prison and sent a different message, I can tell you this country could be in flames.”
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi
The Benefits of Forgiveness
Mandela showed the world the impact that forgiveness can have on a nation, but what about its impact on us as individuals?
The benefits of our forgiving others relate to body, mind, heart and spirit.
Research shows that forgiveness can improve both physical and mental health:
Physical health: Better sleep quality, higher energy levels, decreased blood pressure levels and maybe even a stronger immune system;
Mental health: Less anger, less disappointment, less longterm stress, lower levels of anxiety and depression – all of which relate to physical health.
Research by Loren L. Toussaint, Amy D. Owen & Alyssa Cheadle (Forgive to Live: Forgiveness, Health, and Longevity) suggests that those who practice conditional forgiveness (in which an apology is required before forgiveness is given) may be more likely to die earlier than those who don’t. Not everyone who has offended or wronged us will apologise, so requiring an apology before we forgive disempowers us. Think how much more autonomous, and even powerful, we will be if we can forgive others without first requiring an apology!
Forgiveness also gives us the mental and emotional freedom of not having our thoughts and headspace invaded by memories of the offence or the offender. We can instead put our mental and emotional faculties and energy to much more beneficial use.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes
The Alternative: Self-Sabotage
The failure to forgive has a larcenous effect on a person’s life; it steals health, time, happiness and well being. It also limits opportunities for personal growth and development, as well as opportunities to build and strengthen relationships. The opposite of forgiveness is residual anger.
A couple of dictionary definitions of the verb to forgive put it like this:
“To give up resentment against or stop wanting to punish (someone) for an offence or fault; pardon.”
“To relent in being angry or in wishing to exact punishment for (an offence or fault).”
In short, forgiveness is about letting go of anger. The physiological and mental effects of prolonged anger, or holding a grudge, are antithetical to the benefits of forgiveness. The logic of holding a grudge is well summarised by the following analogy, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” (Author unknown). It simply doesn’t make sense.
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” – Mark Twain
Closing Invitation
I don’t believe that forgiveness means putting ourselves or our loved ones in harm’s way and accepting bad behaviour – there are times at which it is appropriate to walk away. Walking away for personal safety, or for that of those within our care, does not mean that we cannot forgive offenders or those who have caused hurt.
I also don’t believe that forgiveness requires us to formally approach an offender and tell them that we forgive them in a ceremonial manner. Forgiveness can be extended in our heart and mind towards others. How will we know if we’ve truly forgiven someone? Simply put, by how we feel towards them. Do we wish them well or ill? Are we consumed by thoughts about their flaws and wrongdoings? Are we confessing their sins in our minds? Or are we hoping that they are able to find love and light on their journey through life?
In his autobiography Long Walk to Freedom, Nelson Mandela wrote, “[To] be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” Our forgiveness of others can help them to cast off their chains and find greater freedom, too. We can also be an example to others who observe the positive changes in us through our forgiveness. Are we strong enough to try?
Mandela realised that neither he nor South Africa as a nation could make progress without applying forgiveness. We might find ourselves in a similar position in our own lives. As we enter a new year, it is my hope and prayer that we can be more forgiving to those who have wronged us. Let’s remove the shackles and move forwards.