3 Ways to Transcend Deep Divisions for the Benefit of Our Relationships.
In a world that’s divided along more fault-lines than you can shake a stick at, I read something from history that gave me hope this week. It came from my current bedtime reading – Mornings on Horseback by David McCullough – which is a biography on the making of former U.S. President Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt.
Although his family lived in New York (the Roosevelts seldom strayed beyond Manhattan Island for hundreds of years), Teddy’s mother, Mittie, was from Roswell, Georgia and a staunch southerner. Theodore senior, Teddy’s father, was strongly in favour of the Union, meaning that the outbreak of the American Civil War created a significant fault-line between them.
When war broke out, Mittie and her family back in Georgia supported the Rebel Confederates – her brothers joined the army. Sparing Mittie’s anguish in having her husband and brothers fighting on opposing sides, Theodore didn’t fight in the war himself, paying for a substitute to do so on his behalf instead.
Theodore Roosevelt Sr., also known as “Great-Heart”
Martha Bulloch "Mittie" Roosevelt
I’m also working my way through Ken Burns’ documentary on the American Civil War, which gives me a greater appreciation of one of the deadliest wars in American history. As Shelby Foote, eminent civil war historian, put it: the technology outstripped the tactics, as powerful new firearms caused much greater damage than their previous iterations.
As divisive and deadly as the war was, however, it didn’t destroy the Roosevelt’s marital relationship, notwithstanding the unquestionable discomfort that the division created within their household.
Why not?
The following anecdote that McCullough cites in Mornings on Horseback gives us a clue:
“Teedie sternly praying that the Rebel troops be ground to powder had struck [Mittie] as wonderfully funny, whereas Theodore, on hearing the story, had told him never to do it again.”
Note the contrasting reactions: Mittie saw the funny side of her son praying for the utter destruction of troops fighting on ‘her side’, while Theodore demanded respect for his wife in spite of his opposing allegiances. Each in their respective way represented the needs and interests of the other. What is that if not love?
3 ways to transcend the fault-lines that can divide us
That Theodore and Mittie Roosevelt were not only able to tolerate each other but also continue their loving relationship in spite of the deeply divisive civil war is inspirational. It can give us hope in the divided times in which we live.
How can we transcend potentially deep divisions for the benefit of our own relationships, though?
Here are three ways:
Start with your intention. What is your intention for the relationship? How valuable is it to you? How valuable is the other person to you? How would you like it to grow? If your vision for the relationship, and your regard for the other person within the relationship, exceeds your desire to score points within the relationship then that’s a good start.
Put the fault-line in its proper place. It’s important to reflect on the significance of the potential fault-line between you and the other person. Does it have to define your relationship? Does it really negate the vision and values you share with them? Does this division have any substantive merit? Chances are that the fault-line between you isn’t as significant as you assumed it might be and doesn’t warrant undue focus or attention.
Love – in word and in deed. Love, as I see it, is simply defined as follows: Putting the needs of someone else before your own desires. It doesn’t mean relentlessly neglecting or suppressing yourself for the sake of someone else, nor does it mean being a soppy romantic; it simply means taking a leaf out of Theodore and Mittie’s book and setting aside your ego, your desire to be right and your desire for power for the sake of the other person’s needs.
As much as I love to learn from the stories and history of others, I look forward to reading of others from our time who are transcending the fault-lines within their relationships for their benefit and the benefit of their loved ones.
May we be amongst those who are able to say that they did so to great effect.
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If you would like to create a life of purpose, meaning and fulfilment in your own pursuit of sustainable success then drop me a line: tom@3stewardships.com.