People Need [Good, Well-Intentioned] People.
We are social creatures. (Solitary confinement is effective as a form of punishment, or even a means of torture, for a reason!) People need people.
People form one of the most significant parts of our environment. And no man or woman is impervious to the influence of their environment.
As babies and children, our parents were the most influential people in our lives. That changed as we grew older – parents became less influential, others more so – but the fact remains that we are heavily influenced by other people at any age of our lives.
The truth of this becomes particularly apparent as we consider the anatomy of our habits. Charles Duhigg (The Power of Habit) and James Clear (Atomic Habits) have broken down the anatomy of a habit (or habit loop) into four parts:
Cue
Craving
Response
Reward
Cue is the first part of the habit loop – we get these from other people in our environment all the time. What are these cues? What desires do they trigger within us? How do we respond to them? How is our response (behaviour) rewarded by others? (Rewards can come in many different weird and wonderful forms, depending on the eye of the beholder…)
Our habits are both malleable and manipulable.
Yes, we need people, but not just any people.
Who, then, should we allow ourselves to be influenced by?
“But as it was not the fruit that gave me pleasure, I must have got it from the crime itself, from the thrill of having partners in sin.” – Saint Augustine (Confessions)
The Ugly, the Bad and the Good
The Ugly: Frenemies
One of the most common forms of detractors that we may associate with are frenemies. Frenemies are those who may be superficially friendly towards us, but who undermine us through deliberately sowing seeds of doubt in our minds, making passive aggressive comments, backbiting against us or other malevolent behaviour. The inconsistency of their behaviour towards us creates uncertainty.
The negative impact that frenemies have on us isn’t to be treated lightly. Research has shown that having frenemies can increase blood pressure and cause psychological damage. If only for the sake of your well-being, not to mention the time they take, it’s best to simply draw a line under those relationships. (You’ll know the ones I’m talking about.) No one needs frenemies.
The Bad: Malevolent Cheerleaders
Going back to the habit loop, it’s important that we’re conscious of which ‘rewards’ we receive from those we associate with as a result of our behaviour. Encouragement from others is the sort of reward that can create and perpetuate a habit.
Which of our behaviours are encouraged by those we associate with? If those behaviours don’t lead us in the direction of our goals and purpose then that’s a problem. We may be associating with malevolent cheerleaders.
As Jordan Peterson notes in his book, 12 Rules for Life, those who aren’t aiming up may encourage those who are to aim down instead because others’ “new improvements cast their faults in an even dimmer light.”
“You remind them that they ceased caring not because of life’s horrors, which are undeniable, but because they do not want to lift the world up on their shoulders, where it belongs.” – Jordan Peterson
We can each make the world a better place through our unique contributions. Our conscience will confirm this to be true and give us further direction if we create the time and space necessary to listen, learn and understand. This is stewardship. Those who reject such stewardship will never find fulness of meaning or joy in their lives. They will remain reliant on passing, hollow pleasures that leave them feeling cold. They will wander as one who thirsts and is never sated.
As the old adage goes, misery loves company. To find and fulfil your purpose, ditch your malevolent cheerleaders. They are not your friends.
The Good: Those Who Want the Best for You
My wife and I were blessed to stay with some friends in California last year. They weren’t home when we arrived, so they left a key for us to let ourselves in. When we entered the empty home we both remarked on its tranquility and peacefulness. It was clearly a loving home.
The rest of our stay there was consistent with our first impression. Our hosts were welcoming and kind towards us. They enjoyed spending time with us. They wanted to learn more about our lives in England and share their family’s experiences with us. They wanted to see things, do things and experience things with us, changing their plans as required. There was absolutely no question that they wanted the best for us. The whole experience left an indelible impression on us. They inspired us, individually and collectively, to be better people.
People who want the best for you don’t have to be perfect. But their intentions towards you do have to be unequivocally good if they’re to help you to find and fulfil your purpose in life. Jealousy, envy, or malevolence of any kind will not do. You cannot afford to carry the baggage that they bring.
Connect! (My Theme for 2020)
Since I started my business, I’ve become increasingly aware that I need to connect with more people. Good people. People who can help me to improve myself and my business, people who can benefit from my services as a mentor.
With that in mind, my theme for 2020 is simply to connect!
My connection criteria is simple: yes to those who will help me to fulfil my purpose in life (whether through being served or serving) and no to those who distract or detract from it.
Living a life of stewardship means being judicious about who we associate with. The influence that others have on us is too significant to leave our associations to chance.