Know Thyself. And Love Thyself.

What advice would you give to your younger self? 

It might sound like a cliché question from a celebrity interview, but if you take it seriously it might illustrate some valuable principles that you’ve learned in your life. It may also serve to deepen your self-awareness.

I recently found a piece of advice that I’d love to be able to give to my younger self. It came in the form of Joe Kwon’s definition of charisma:

“Charisma is the ability to sense and ultimately deliver exactly what is most needed from an emotional perspective in a given moment.” – Joe Kwon

Joe highlights the distinction between sensing what is needed and actually delivering what is needed from an emotional perspective. For example: You walk into a party that seems pretty dead – flat, low energy, low engagement between attendees… You’ve sensed the need (at least to some extent). If all you do then is simply comment on how dead the party is without contributing to its improvement then you’re not being charismatic; you’re just another contributor to its deadness.

Being charismatic would involve taking appropriate action to liven things up – smile, make eye contact, seek to learn more about others (if you ask they will tell!), sing, dance, make a positive contribution! None of that has to be contrived or false – there are multiple ways in which a person can lift a room without necessarily being an extrovert, much less obnoxious.

Being charismatic means being emotionally proactive rather than reactive. It requires significant self-awareness, empathy and discipline. And it is central to success in working with others.

My advice to my younger self would be to actively develop charisma to build stronger connections with others and not needlessly antagonise them by remaining stuck in my own head.

Know Thyself

My appreciation for the value of charisma comes in no small part from knowing my limitations and flaws. I’ve had to be honest with myself about what those things are. It’s easy to speak in favour of honesty from a theoretical point of view or when looking at others’ conduct, but being truly honest with yourself in the pursuit of meaningful self-awareness can be uncomfortable – sometimes even painful.

The simple fact, however, is that honesty with ourselves is a prerequisite for the development of self-awareness, and self-awareness is the sine qua non of personal development and progress.

Some of the earliest advice from the ancients speaks in favour of self-knowledge. “Know thyself” was inscribed in the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. And as renaissance philosopher, Charles de Bovelles, wrote in Liber de Sapiente (‘Book of the Wise’), “When the Pythian Apollo was asked what would be true and most excellent wisdom, he is said to have replied, “Man, know thyself.””

Wilful ignorance of ourselves, good, bad and ugly, will stifle our progress.

Light and Love, Not Blame and Shame

To be clear, self-awareness isn’t about blaming and shaming ourselves in an effort to drive personal progress; it’s taking the blinkers off to see things as they really are. Self-awareness is light. Light illuminates the path forward.

If we’re truly self-aware then we acknowledge both our strengths and our weaknesses; we create a solid platform to build on to make sustainable progress. Acknowledgement of our strengths can give us the hope necessary to make improvements and move forward. Meaningful, lasting progress isn’t possible without hope.

But the most powerful driving force behind personal progress is love. Love is care. And it starts with self. We cannot love others if we don’t truly love ourselves. It’s not possible to draw from an empty well. Without attending to our own self-care, in relation to body, mind, heart and spirit, our well will dry up and we will be unable to love others. Love is a verb, not just a noun.

A Transformational Combination

Stewardship is the application of love through self-governance, while an individual stewardship is a conscience-based responsibility to care. The 3 Stewardships framework for self-governance that I developed empowers those I mentor to develop greater self-awareness (light) through identifying and assessing each meaningful stewardship in their lives. (Self is the foundational starting point, continuing through to contribution.)

Once each stewardship has been identified and assessed, the question then follows: Where’s the love? That means care – caring for self, caring for others and caring in the contribution that we make in our homes, communities, and in the wider world. 

This combination of light and love, applied to specific stewardships, is transformational. It empowers mentees to make meaningful, powerful progress, discarding unhelpful habits and mindsets that may have been with them for years. It gives them the clarity and drive to move forward on their unique path towards sustainable success. Through light and love they know which way is up and they know how to get there.

Upon reflection, there’s another piece of advice that I’d like to give my younger self from my mentoring journey thus far: don’t just know thyself; love thyself, too.

And start with self-care.