People Don't Belong in Boxes.
Many of us have completed some form of assessment to determine our personality type or communication style. At the conclusion of these assessments, we’re usually given a box, category or label based on our responses. I recently completed an assessment concerning social styles. The assessment was designed to identify which one of four boxes my social style most neatly fits: Analytical, Driving, Amiable or Expressive. Being placed in a particular box depended on whether the assessment found me to be more inclined to ask or tell, emote or control.
Following the assessment, colleagues and I met to discuss how we like (and don’t like) to be communicated with and how we thought those with different styles might like to be communicated with. We also discussed possible examples of misallocation in which colleagues felt they didn’t belong within their designated box, as well as specific scenarios in which some group members might be better suited to another box instead.
The group discussions were the most valuable part of the process. As we scrutinised shared styles, picking out strengths and weaknesses, laughing at ourselves, and pushing against the parameters of the box, we were able to ask questions of our behaviour and approach to others, developing greater self-awareness and a greater understanding of how we can engage with others more effectively. We even found some amusing contradictions within shared styles, which became apparent through sprawling, passionate discussion.
Default Not Destiny
Towards the end of our discussion, a colleague aptly likened our shared box to a default setting of sorts, similar to the factory settings on a new phone. Natural tendencies, like factory settings, are not fixed in a permanent state – they can be adjusted and changed. Whereas boxes relating to personalities and social styles can provide useful benchmarks, encouraging and facilitating self-reflection, they’re not really home to anyone. I’ve seldom met anyone who fits neatly into a single box or “type” – at least not beneath a superficial level.
Beyond the scope of personality tests, it’s tempting to apply boxes and labels to ourselves and others in several aspects of life; they’re simple, give an impression of clarity, and encourage us to make quick judgments about people. But whereas boxes might be simple, congruous and neatly packaged together, people tend not to be. If we rely too heavily on boxes in assessing ourselves and others, they can hinder personal growth and become problematic to relationships with others, stripping away the richness and nuance of individual character and personality, perhaps leading to damning stereotypes and unflattering caricatures. At best, a box is a default not a destiny.
Everybody Can Change!
Whatever our default settings, we can all change and improve. Just because your predisposition might be to talk rather than ask doesn’t mean that you can’t become highly skilled at asking insightful questions and listening carefully and empathically. Emotional intelligence goes deeper than personality type and it, too, can be worked on and improved. As Daniel Goleman put it, “Emotional Intelligence Competencies are learnable - if you can improve your tennis swing, you can also strengthen your emotional skills.” Emotional intelligence is at the heart of personal and interpersonal development, transcending different personalities and social styles.
On a lighter note, think about Rocky’s rallying cry after he defeats the dangerous, machine-like Ivan Drago is his own backyard (Rocky IV): “If I can change and you can change, everybody can change!”, bellows the victorious Rocky to the once hostile crowd. And he’s right – we can change.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” – Rumi
From Boxes to Progress
If we want to make personal progress beyond the default settings of our boxes and also allow others to do the same then we need to adopt the appropriate mindsets:
Believe that progress is possible. How many times is personal progress stalled or even halted simply because we believe that we’re stuck where we are, that we can’t change and that efforts to improve character and adopt good habits are doomed to fail like erstwhile new years resolutions? One of the most damning phrases in the English language is, “That’s just the way I am.” If we truly believe we can make progress beyond our defaults then this belief will be evidenced through our actions. Faith without works is dead.
Change how you see others. It’s been said that we see the world not as it is but as we are. There’s a lot of truth in that. If we choose to see others as their box, stereotype or even caricature then how are we to see ourselves? To move beyond boxes, focus on how people can grow and make progress through applying sound principles and developing greater emotional intelligence. People, whoever they are, will make mistakes whether they’re committed to personal progress or not. Don’t define them by their worst day or their biggest mistake. As Stephen R. Covey put it, “With people, slow is fast and fast is slow.” Be patient with them. Think and rethink: How can we become our best selves? And how can we help others to do the same?
Commit to consistent, patient progress. What’s the biggest difference between a failed commitment to personal progress and a successful one? In a word: persistence. Persistence consists of belief, consistent effort, grit and patience. Throughout history persistence has proven to be a significant differentiator between success and failure. It means getting up when we get knocked down, not letting setbacks hold us back, disregarding the barbs of cynics and detractors, and, in short, being more like the tortoise than the hare.
“We must develop the capacity to see men not as they are at present but as they may become.” – Thomas S. Monson
Adopting these mindsets can empower us to make significant personal progress. They can help us to improve our relationships with others. And they can enable us to help others to make personal progress, too. So, what are we waiting for?