Parents, Give Your Children the Gift of Peace.

For parents across the world, Christmas’s big moment of truth has passed for another year. Did we give the kids what they wanted? As it stands, this isn’t a question that my wife and I need to answer, but God-willing one day it will be. For now, we’re satisfied in the knowledge that Woody, our mini-dachshund, thoroughly enjoyed his three bird roast from the tin on Christmas morning.

But what is it that (human) children really want from their parents beyond the latest device, toy or fad?

A Tale of Two Argentinians

This question recently came to mind when I read an interview with ex-footballer, Rob Green. While playing for West Ham, Green had two Argentinian teammates: Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. Their temperaments couldn’t have been more different. Tevez was likened to a Tasmanian devil – chaos personified. Despite playing in England, he couldn’t speak English and he didn’t want to. Mascherano, on the other hand, was calm, considered and articulate (in perfect English). Green wanted to know why there was such a difference between the two, so he asked Mascherano. Mascherano’s response is revealing:

“I grew up with the sound of cows out in the fields next to my house. He grew up with the sound of gunshots”

Tevez’s formative years were so eventful, and no doubt traumatic, that a Netflix series (Apache: The Life of Carlos Tevez) has been made to tell his story.

The Cost of Violence (Beyond Gunshots)

Those of us who live in peaceful countries and decent neighbourhoods might be grateful that our children aren’t exposed to the violent sound of gunshots. But violence isn’t limited to guns and physical assault. Words and emotions can be violent, too. And the violence of words and emotions causes real damage.

Children who grow up in home environments that are imbued with contention and threat are at risk of succumbing to chronic stress. As Gabor Maté puts it in his book, When the Body Says No, “Chronic stress is activation of the stress mechanisms over long periods of time when a person is exposed to stressors that cannot be escaped either because she does not recognize them or because she has no control over them.” This is particularly problematic because our stress mechanisms aren’t supposed to be active over long periods of time – they’re there to protect us from immediate, short-term threats. When “triggered chronically and without resolution” they harm our bodies and even cause permanent damage. Maté also notes how chronically high cortisol levels destroy tissue, chronically elevated adrenalin levels damage the heart through raised blood pressure, while chronic stress inhibits the proper functioning of the immune system.

The damage that a stressful home environment does to children’s wellbeing relates to body, mind, heart and spirit. The brunt of that damage, however, may only come to light later in a child's life. (Maté also writes about how childhood trauma lies at the heart of addiction in later life, which comes in various forms.)

Gimme Shelter

The opposite of a stressful home environment is a peaceful one – free from continuous contending, point scoring, and blaming. A peaceful environment is one in which people feel safe. Threats are dealt with swiftly and effectively; they aren’t embedded within the culture of the home.

No home is perfect. And no home will always be entirely stress-free, but stress doesn’t have to be a constant feature. We can choose to make our homes places of peace, sanctuaries from the worst of the world.

We can choose to let go of perfectionism and other forms of unrealistic and unhelpful expectations and ideals that cause stress. We can choose to focus primarily on fulfilling our own responsibilities instead of confessing the sins of those who have failed to fulfil theirs.

We can develop a culture of love, gratitude and empathy in the home. Humour can help with that. Laughing at ourselves is a good place to start!

More important than “being right” is how we make other people feel. There is no independent adjudicator to determine who’s right and wrong in an argument, but those who are present can always feel what is right and wrong in any given situation. Ego-based contention is never right.

Children need the home to be more than a protection from the elements of nature. They need it to protect them from the anger, contempt and even hatred that harms wellbeing and destroys relationships.

Moment of Truth

Parents, you have a stewardship, a sacred responsibility, to provide a safe, loving home environment for your children. That environment should be safe for them in relation to body, mind, heart and spirit. Do not shirk that responsibility or make excuses based on how hard things were for you growing up. The stakes are too high.

If you had a bad home life as a child and now have children, do everything you can to ensure that you give your children the home you wish you’d had. Break what might be a multi-generational cycle of traumatic home life.

If you need help, get help. Your first stewardship is your self. Fix your own foundations and then build on solid ground. That isn’t by any means selfish – it’s essential to the wellbeing of your loved ones and those within your care.

While parents’ Christmas moment of truth comes annually, their biggest moment of truth, concerning their success as parents, comes later in the child’s life.

So, for now at least, forget about the presents and give your children the gift of peace.